This morning Mrs. Chatterbox said to me,” So how’s that
shampoo I bought for you?”
I’d asked her to pick up some more when she went to the
store because the bottle in my gym bag was empty. I looked up from my iPad and
said, “It’s fine.”
“She looked at me curiously. “Did you notice anything
different?”
“Can’t say I did. But it was nice. Real sudsy.”
“Was it different from the shampoo you’ve been using?”
I set down my iPad. “What am I missing here.”
“The shampoo I bought was specifically designed for men.”
Feeling like I’d failed a masculinity test, not my first, I
said, “It felt like a real manly shampoo.”
She smiled and went back to watching Iron Chef, where a sweaty guy in an apron was cracking open a
massive ostrich egg. Later, when the program was over and she wasn’t around, I
pulled out my gym bag and checked the label on my new shampoo. I half expected
to see ingredients like bull sperm or yak musk, but nothing über masculine was
listed as an ingredient. I remember an antiperspirant once marketed with the
slogan: Strong enough for him, but made for her. This marketing pitch made it seem like women
perspired differently than men, which I don’t believe.
With too much time on my hands from avoiding useful
pursuits, I decided to find out what made this shampoo male.
Differences in packaging were obvious: her bottle was soft and pink as a kitten's nose; my container was rigid, black like the Kevlar vests of swat teams and shaped like something to throw at the enemy. But these were superficial differences. I checked the ingredients on our shampoo bottles
and subtracted the ingredients found in both bottles.
*Note to Homeland Security—I know you’re listening in and
these are ingredients
for shampoo, not a dirty bomb. If it is a bomb, it’s a
squeaky clean one:
Water: Yes, we’re
paying mostly for water.
Alcohol: Drink this
shampoo and enjoy your shower more.
Methylchloroisothiazolinone: Wasn’t this the guy who enslaved the Israelites?
Methylisothiazolinone: Or was it this guy?
Citric Acid: I think this is in Fresca and 7-Up.
EDTA: Isn’t this a department of government Romney wants
to get rid of?
Distearate: Actresses use this to fake crying, right?
Sodium Laureth Sulfate:
Technical term for a fart.
Sodium Citrate: I bet this is good in margaritas.
Fragrance: Female shampoos smell of flowers, male shampoo like
cheerleader uniforms.
Panthenol: a shiny
but endangered catlike jungle creature.
Hydroxypropyltrimonium Chloride: Probably the glue holding together Hydrox Cookies.
Dimethiconol:
Pulverized remains of a small dinosaur thought to have pretty hair.
These are the ingredients found in male shampoo but not in
the female version:
Cocamidopropyl Betaine:
The ingredient in Coca Cola that makes you cry?
Carbomer: I once
rebuilt one of these in my shop/automotive class.
Guar: A possible
sixteen points in Scrabble.
TEA-Dodecylbenzenesulfonate: ????????????
Actually I have no idea what these last four items are, but
it’s apparent the beauty care industry knows more about male and female
sexuality than regular scientists. No more nonsense about “X” and “Y”
chromosomes; the difference between the sexes is written on plastic bottles for
all to see. If you want to know what’s manly, what prompts him to make a
withdrawal from the boner bank, the answer is in these mystery ingredients.
In the spirit of scientific study, I’ve paused for a shower
break. I shampooed long and hard with my Suave Shampoo for MEN. I must admit to
feeling…strange. I feel like humping furniture, and I’m experiencing a
sensation that’s eluded me my entire life, the desire to engage in a bar fight.
But before I head over to the nearest watering hole I think I’ll shampoo my
hair again.
Submitted to my friends at Dude Write.
Submitted to my friends at Dude Write.
