Last Night's Conversation With Mother

 

     “Hey, Mom, what are you doing?”

     “Same as always, just trying to survive.”

     This is one of my eighty-six year old mother’s favorite lines. It doesn’t leave much of an opening for conversation. “Reading anything interesting?”

     “No. At my age I’ve read everything there is to read. There’s nothing new anymore. Besides, books today are a bunch of drivel. In my day writers really knew how to write.”

     “Yeah, that Genesis was one hell of a book.”

     “What was that you said?”

     “Nothing. So what did you have for dinner tonight?”

     “Mother didn’t really feel like eating tonight. Ever since I had those terrible cramps at your house on Thanksgiving I just don’t seem to have much of an appetite. I barely made it to the toilet after you dropped me off.”

     “Maybe you shouldn’t have eaten so many of the shrimp appetizers before dinner.”

     “I only had a nibble, just to sample Sue’s recipe. Maybe the shrimp were spoiled. How long did she leave them out?”

     “The shrimp were fine, Mom.”

    “Maybe later I’ll have a piece of that pumpkin pie you sent home with me, along with a tall glass of milk. Anything good on TV tonight?”

     My mother lives in a retirement community that has a different cable provider than we do. Our TV channels don’t match up, but she always asks.

     “We’re watching Pawn Stars,” I say. “Check your directory for the channel and give it a try.”

     “Porn Stars? Why would I give that a try. And explain to me, young man, why you’re watching pornography. Everything okay between you and Sue?”

     “I didn’t say porn, I said pawn! And Sue is sitting right here beside me.”

     “I wouldn’t have thought she was into that sort of trash.”

     I tried once again. “Not PORN, Mom. The word is PAWN!”

     “Are you saying p-o-n?”

     “No; I don’t think pon is a real word. I’m saying P-A-W-N.”

     “Oh, you mean like a pawn shop?”

     “Exactly. The show revolves around a family that operates a pawn shop in Las Vegas. People bring in interesting collectibles and the shop offers them money for their items. It’s like Antique Road Show but here money actually changes hands. A guy once tried to pawn a nineteenth century vampire-killing kit.”

     “Sounds interesting, but I don’t get that channel.”

     “I haven’t told you what channel it’s on.”

     “Go ahead and tell me, but I bet I don’t get it.”

     By now I’m worn out. “It’s on the History Channel. Check your directory for the right numbers. Today they’re running a Pawn Shop marathon; the show is being broadcast all day until midnight.”

     “Okay, I’ll give it a try. What time is it on?”

     “It’s on now.”

     I see. So what else is new. What are you and Sue up to?”

     At the moment I was thinking about heading to Las Vegas to purchase a vampire-killing kit, but all I said was, “Just trying to survive.”