Saturday, December 31, 2011


Update: Our New Year’s Eve Turducken dinner
     On New Year’s Eve Mrs. Chatterbox and I spent the afternoon at the theater watching War Horse. On our return home we slipped our turducken (a turkey breast stuffed with a duck breast stuffed with a chicken breast stuffed with rice dressing) into a preheated oven for an hour and a half. Mrs. Chatterbox made mashed potatoes and an assortment of veggies to accompany the main course. I mixed up a batch of martinis and we enjoyed them while waiting for our turducken to roast. On a recent Chubby Chatterbox post  many of you offered comments on turduckens, and in appreciation for your concern I won’t prolong the suspense: We would have had a better meal had we eaten War Horse.
     Turducken is one of the worst things I’ve put in my mouth, and I could easily raise a few eyebrows were I to start listing the questionable things I’ve eaten over the years. I should have been suspicious when a burnt jockstrap smell permeated our kitchen. (As I type this in my downstairs studio I can hear Mrs. Chatterbox scraping our dishes. She’s yelling, “I can’t get the stink of that horrible thing off my hands!”
     As for its appearance, it wasn’t at all appealing to look at. It resembled a bald head wearing a hair net. And the rice stuffing oozing from it resembled lice. (There was a bunch more description here but you can thank Mrs. Chatterbox, my editor, for sparing you further details.)
     Pause: I’ll be back: She needs me.
     I’m back. Mrs. Chatterbox was cutting up the rest of the turducken and feeding it to the garbage disposal, but apparently the disposal didn’t want it either and had stopped working. I had to pry chunks from the blades with my fingers.
     I feel sorry for my wife, who’d looked forward to preparing a delicious meal for me, a meal that I’d requested and she’d prepared with her usual love and skill. Unfortunately, boiled gym socks would have tasted better.
     When we found the turducken at a fancy grocery store I had the good sense to ask the butcher how many people it fed. He told us it was a small turducken but it would easily feed twelve. Since it was only the two of us dining on it I had the butcher cut it in half, shrink wrap the two sections and wrap both for the freezer. I still have half of that fowl meat bomb in my freezer. What the hell am I going to do with—
Please disregard the previous portion of this blog.

     Welcome one and all to the Chubby Chatterbox Turducken 2012 Contest. Just send me a comment as to why you deserve a free turducken dinner and your name will be entered into a drawing for half of a delicious, mouthwatering treat. Don’t wait, hundreds of you will undoubtedly be curious about this culinary delight. I’m standing by waiting for your comments. Be creative. Maybe there’s someone you hate and you’d like to send them a message. I’ll cough up postage for anywhere in the contin…make that the world. Please? Is anyone out there?

     I may be at the hospital tomorrow having my stomach pumped so I’ll say it now while I can.
Happy New Year.


  1. Haha, you've read my blog...send it to my ratbag stepfather!


  2. I'd like to nominate Congress....all of ' the recipent of your most gracious offer of turd-thingy. They have worked overtime this year working us over, and I for one would like for them to taste a bit of what they've been dishing out to us.

    Thank you for your consideration.


  3. Oh my goodness! What a let down. At least the rest of us know to stay away from it -- maybe you should put a 'd' in after the t-u-r!!;-)

  4. I don't any part of that nasty whatever it is. I'll pass on this altogether. So I now know never to ask the butcher for this. Never.

    Have a terrific day and a very happy, healthy and prosperous New Year. :)

  5. Sounds like another pitcher of martinis is in order. Please send my turducken to Newt Gingrich in Iowa. He deserves something to REALLY cry about.

  6. I'm sure you'll get a lot of suggestions for where to send a complimentary turducken -- mostly to politicians, I'd guess -- but come on ... don't you have a dog? Isn't that kind of thing in their job description?

    P. S. But thank you so much for letting us experience your turducken at blog's length, so we know in the future not to try to get in the kitchen with one. May you have a happy turducken-less 2012!

  7. *Scratches "eat turducken" off the bucket list*

    What, no pictures? Your description was hilarious, though. Really too bad, because roasted turkey, roasted duck, and roasted chicken all sound like appealing dinner choices.

    Happy New Year to you and Mrs. Chatterbox! And yes, New Gingrich sounds like a terrific choice.

  8. Thanks for the smile. And the warning. Happy New Year to you and Mrs. Chatterbox.

  9. You are hilarious. I was probably not going to try turducken anyway (I don't cook), but now I'll DEFINITELY avoid it :)

  10. I didn't think these things were actually real...I know a certain sister in law I could send your turducken to :)

    My hubby's chicken stuffed chicken is really nice..

  11. Sorry it was a disappointment but it sure made for a funny blog post. Better turduken next time.