According to the Bible, God punished King Nimrod who was audacious enough to think he could build a tower high enough to reach Heaven. In retribution, God decreed that humans would babble in infinite languages and be incomprehensible to each other, thus securing a future for Rosetta Stone® as the world’s #1 language-learning software. Even though I’m only marginally fluent in English, I’ve always found languages fascinating, especially when I encounter linguistic SNAFUs that make me laugh. Case in point: Michelangelo’s Moses.
During the Renaissance, scholars translating Hebrew mixed up the word for “ray—as in ray or beam of light” with “horn.” Evidently the two words were quite similar. Thus, Michelangelo followed tradition by showing Moses with “horns,” which had to be easier to carve from marble than beams of light. Today these horns, and Moses’ obvious steroid usage, make him look like a member of the Avengers.
According to the Good Book, Moses “parted” the Dead Sea so the Hebrews could escape Pharaoh’s chariots. Really? Did the sea actually turn into a drained Jacuzzi so the Hebrews could escape from Egypt or did they slosh through a marsh at “low tide,” wander into a Starbucks and order milk and honey frappuccinos? Was this an honest mistranslation or were ancient scriptwriters anticipating a time when movies would include the ad line, “Based On a True Story?”
Here’s something else to consider: in ancient Hebrew how similar are the words
“beside” and “on?” What difference does it make, you might ask. Not much, unless you’re wondering if Jesus walked “on” the Sea of Galilee or “beside” it. A pretty big difference if you ask me. One interpretation makes Jesus a beachcomber in pre- Margaritaville Judea while the other turns him into the Justice League of America’s Aquaman—or maybe even the Son of God.
I’ve long been fascinated with the Bible, even though my incredulity over many of the stories prompted my Catechism class to dub me Kid Most Likely to Burn in Hell. It’s been a long time since I read the Bible, but the last time I did I managed to put the Good Book to good use. Read about it (Here.)
Should I expect Rosetta Stone advertisement to pop up on your blog soon?
ReplyDeleteI think you could make the case that God knew there would be a movie in all possible futures. So, parting the Red Sea seems to be His attempt to get into the film industry. Though this would demonstrate His divine foreknowledge, I believe the casting of Charlton Heston demonstrates the case for human free will because I can't see God willingly casting Heston in the part. He just didn't fit. Uwel, on the other hand, was perfect as Pharoh.
I believe Jesus walking on the shore is a view held most prominently by Albert Schweitzer, the apostles be confused by the darkness and storm. However, the context of the story, though the Greek may be similiar (I don't know NT Greek), make it highly implausible he was on the shore. No, really.
Funny as always.
Thanks for the post.
Perhaps all books of worship are just entertainment. Well it could happen.
ReplyDeleteHave a terrific day. :)
Well you know what I think. The Bible and all other religious texts are great fiction. I'm heading out of here before ppl throw stones at me.
ReplyDeleteHey this is very interesting... interpretation in art history is pretty much mandatory without a time machine...
ReplyDeleteSee ya in hell buddy!
That's why I hate when people insist the Bible is "The Word of God" and "Absolute Truth" and other such stuff. What we think of as the Bible has been translated and retranslated numerous times and many of the books were written long after Jesus died, with multiple authors. It's basically like those old Hardy Boys or Nancy Drew books where they were written under pen names but people act like it's the undeniable truth. Oy vey.
ReplyDeleteAnother awesomely funny and insightful post! Sharing! And thanks for adding Networked Blogs!
ReplyDeleteIf Moses had really been horny, someone besides Cecil B Demille woulda made the movie and it wouldn'ta had Charlton Heston at top billing
ReplyDeleteI've wondered why those naked busts of men from antiquity are always of white guys and not black guys. Not that I care. Just wondering.
ReplyDeleteVery interesting post, Stephen. I had no idea about the story behind Moses' horns. Talk about a faux pas. Incidentally, I just subbed for a temple school class and tried helping them learn the Hebrew alphabet. One said he wanted to make a Zayin (pronounced just like "Zion") out of playdough, and I told them there's no such letter. When class ended, I realized there is. I really confused the poor kids. Hopefully, none of them will become sculptors.
ReplyDeletexoRobyn
This is WRONG. It was not an error made by scholars during the middle ages. It was Jerome, an ancient translator, who first read it this way. The verse says
ReplyDeleteMoshe didn't know that "keren or panav" from talking to God.
or panav = skin of face
keren = beam, or horn.
Jerome read it "And when Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tables of the testimony of God, he knew not that his face had become horned as a result of conversing with God. "
This is not an error, and it has decent support. Horns were often used by the ancients as ornaments or as a sign of distinction; alternatively Jerome may have thought the horn, or better yet, a toughing of the skin (horned skin), was a disfigurement of some kind caused by direct exposure to God.