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Friday, September 14, 2012

Peeping Toms

 
Writing coaches caution anyone from starting a story with: It was a dark and stormy night, but I’ve always wanted to begin a tale with these words and now you know what I think of writing coaches. Anyway, Mrs. Chatterbox and I had only been married a few years and were living in a duplex in Oxnard, California, so close to the beach that our driveway was covered in sand.
      
One stormy evening, Mrs. Chatterbox phoned to say she was leaving work late and was in no mood to fix dinner. “I’ll pick up something on the way home,” she said.
      
 I  felt guilty that she was the one caught in the storm. “It’s raining pretty hard. Be careful,” I said, just as the electricity went out.
      
As I waited in darkness for her to reach home, I lifted a blind and glanced out our front window to check on the storm. Without street lamps I couldn’t see much, but I could hear the wind howling like a banshee in heat, along with the sound of swirling sand scratching the world raw.
      
A light winked on across the street, the golden glow of an oil lamp. I could clearly see into the bedroom of the young couple who’d recently rented the bungalow across the street. I’d yet to speak with them; for some reason I’d been put off by their attractiveness and athleticism. They stood beside a large bed. He leaned toward her, bent down and kissed her long and hard. She unbuckled his jeans.
      
It felt wrong to be ogling them as they undressed, their perfect bodies reflected in the circular mirror of an old vanity hugging a wall. I considered lowering the blind, but couldn’t. It was like watching a porn movie being filmed before my very eyes. What if
they needed extras?
     
 As the wind whipped sand around the edges of their window, I watched as they pleasured each other. I’d been married a few years to a woman with healthy sexual appetites, and I’d read Everything You Always Wanted To know About Sex*But Were Afraid To Ask, not to mention my familiarity with the Kama Sutra, whose illustrations I’d committed to memory. I wasn’t without a certain expertise in this area and considered myself a competent swordsman, but the Olympian aerobatics and exuberant gymnastics of this energetic couple were far beyond anything I’d imagined, much less attempted. Whereas I’d be huffing and puffing with sweat dripping from me in unsightly fashion, this couple was clearly not out of breath. Instead of sweating like railroad workers shoveling coal into a blazing furnace, their naked bodies glowed like burnished gold in the lamplight.
      
Minutes passed as I lost track of time, the window steaming over from my hard breathing. A noise alerted me to the fact that I wasn’t alone. Mrs. Chatterbox was standing behind me, a boxed pizza in her hands. I could feel my face turn scarlet and I wondered what she was thinking: I’ve married a voyeur, a Peeping Tom!
     
 But her eyes weren’t on me; she was watching the couple across the street, the marathon pair into their second hour of lovemaking. I took the pizza from Mrs. Chatterbox’s hands and walked it over to the kitchen. When I returned she was still standing there, watching as intently as I had been. I tried to remove her coat but she was transfixed by the show and wouldn’t budge.
      
Fine, if she was going to enjoy the performance I saw no reason why I shouldn’t as well. At that moment, we witnessed something taking place in the bedroom across the street that shocked both of us. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing; neither could my wife, whose jaw was hanging as low as mine.
      
Mrs. Chatterbox finally tore her eyes from the window. She swung her purse at me, yelling, “You told me that was IMPOSSIBLE!”
      
She stomped off.
      
Back in the bungalow, the dude who’d made me feel like an incompetent kindergartener was no longer naked. He and his lady had donned terry robes, and they were waving at me.

Submitted to Yeah Right.

41 comments:

  1. I'm laughing my ass off, Stephen. What if they need extras, indeed.

    I have to admit I'm a bit curious as to what you'd told Mrs. C was impossible. I'm pretty sure you wrote this piece just for the search traffic, though. ;)

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  2. Ha ha, well maybe it was just impossible for YOU. Nowadays you could videotape that and put it on the Internet to make tons of money.

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  3. Ahem. Don't worry, it's probably impossible for most normal mortals. ;)

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  4. What? How dare you watch me when I'm making love! Oh and FYI, the position you saw is called the Demented Crab.

    In all seriousness, great post. You did what anyone else would have done in that situation.

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  5. did you catch the neighbors at any future date? were you able to face them to say hello when next you saw them driving down the street? is this purely fiction?

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    1. SherilinR:

      This is completely true; well, I might have embellished the storm a bit.

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  6. Bwahahahahahaha. A show just for you. I love it.

    Have a terrific day and weekend. :)

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  7. Wow, what a show eh? I too am curious as to what the "special move" was. Great post Stephen, thoroughly enjoyed it.

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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  8. I thought it was "Long ago in a land far, far away...."

    Mmmm...pizza and porn. ;)

    S

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  9. "What if they needed extras?"--one of the best lines I've heard in a long time!!

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  10. I used to enjoy listening to my roommate screw his girlfriend. Dylan was a really hot looking guy. It fired my imagination. I wish he'd given me a real show. I would have watched the whole thing. Oh and in case you're wondering, I visit porn sites all the time. I don't care if anyone judges me. Some people are so beautiful at what they do.

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  11. Goodness! Well, I suppose if they hadn't wanted anyone to see them they would have closed the curtains. ;)

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  12. Some people will do anything to impress their new neighbors. Impossible indeed!

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  13. I must lead a very sheltered life. Not once have my neighbors provided me or my husband with a free porn show. Were you at all uneasy when it became obvious that they knew you had been watching. I, too wondered if you ever had encounters with them later. Perhaps you invited them over for coffee and dessert.

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  14. In Oxnard of all places, my father's boyhood terrain.
    As a Thomas, (Tom), I have been offended by the use of Peeping Toms.
    The origin is said to be the tailor who snuck a peek at Lady Godiva. Godiva was real, so was her naked ride as a tax protest, but the tailor Tom was more likely a later add on. Still, a tailor would have all rights to peer at a naked woman. For that matter so would any free man or woman. So I guess we can surmise that he was the only one with the balls to do what most probably wanted to. In this line of pursuit then, peeping, as this "Tom" did on that day in Coventry in the 11th century was the honorable act of a free man.

    A great post.

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  15. That was one funny story and I would have ogled my ass off. And may have done something else, too...
    That picture from Animal House was from the funniest scene in the whole damn movie. I laughed so hard I found it hard to breathe. Just thinking about it now makes me laugh all over.

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  16. Excellent story, Stephen. I haunted Oxnard for a weekend as I moved a corporate office. Even now, there are places of desolate beauty where I could imagine the scene. Your portrayal of the vision was perfect. If it weren't for that thing you apparently don't do, you could have enjoyed a righteous shag of your own....AND had pizza,

    WG

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  17. LOL! I guess I crapped out on the neighbours front. Not once have I been treated to a free sex show by any of them.

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  18. Were they waving or motioning you over ;^)

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  19. Thank goodness my neighbors never did that. They were in their seventies, and resembled Danny DeVito and Polly Holliday.

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  20. Yeah you can't leave us hanging on the special move!

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  21. An ending that really hits hard. It completely changes the scene,. Well done.

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  22. Let's hope they won't be sending you bills for the "free" show you've witnessed ;)

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  23. Yes I remember you now, waiving to you...............

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  24. Ooh, good story! Obviously they were showing off for you, so of course you had to give them a proper audience. I probably would have looked a bit, too, to be honest, but most likely through the safety of peeping through my fingers over my eyes ;)

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  25. I've never been witness to a free sex show from the neighbors, either. But then, I know my neighbors. How shall I say it? They're more interested in food than they are in exercise -- so I don't think I'd want a ticket to their show!

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  26. Loved this post. You have such a gift for telling a story.

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  27. I had neighbors like this once. I'm just glad I never saw their faces well enough so that I might have recognized them if I saw them out somewhere.

    LOL at "what if they needed extras."

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  28. What? What? What's impossible? I must know or I won't be able to sleep.

    Love,
    Janie

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  29. LMAO!!! How can you keep us hanging like that? You are indeed a gifted storyteller! Come by and check out my new site. I have missed your comments. http://www.thesexysinglemommy.com

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  30. lmao!!! That's awesome! I love her reaction as well, lols!!!

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  31. Dude, that was a beautifully crafted tale. Really, REALLY well done... kind of makes me wish I had neighbours ....windows would also be nice...

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  32. You can't leave us wondering like this! What was that last amazing move??? I want to know :). Great post!

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  33. Practice makes perfect, though. Keep observing, in my opinion... and go to some game film if you have to as well :)

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  34. Haha, I wasn't expecting the end at all! What were your lights on? I also want to know if you've run into them since and what happened.

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  35. lol "you told me that was impossible" ... guess it gave you something to live up to ;)

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  36. That was the funniest thing I've read in a long time. You're quite the story teller. I'm adding your blog to my feed.

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