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Sunday, September 23, 2012

Sex And The Senile Girl

 
Conversations with my mother can be disturbing (Check out my recent post What Do You Believe In?) but she also makes me laugh. I call every morning to check on her. This morning’s conversation went like this: “Good morning, Mom. What are you doing?”
      
“Same as always. Surviving.”
      
Surviving is her favorite response when asked what she’s doing. “You sound a bit listless. You okay?”
      
“Just tired. Couldn’t sleep last night.”
     
 “Anything bothering you?”
     
 “I’m eighty-seven years old. EVERYTHING bothers me.”
      
“Anything interesting happening at The Lodge?” The Lodge is the name of her retirement facility.
     
 “Yes. We’re getting free HMO for a few days.”
      
“Free HMO?”
     
 “Yes, on the TV.”
      
“Do you mean HBO?”
      
“Stop with the constant corrections. You know what I mean.”
      
“Sorry.”
       
“So last night I watched Libyan porn.”
      
Not something one expects to hear from their mother. “Libyan porn?”
      
“That’s what I said.”
      
Complaining about her retirement home’s TV programming is one of her favorite pastimes. “Mom, I doubt you were getting porn from Libya. I seriously doubt Libya is exporting porn these days. And if they were, your cable provider would probably charge you extra for it.”
      
“Did I say Libyan porn? That isn’t what I meant. I meant Lisbon porn.”
     
 “You’re watching Portuguese people having sex?”
      
I could hear her sigh into the receiver. “Lisping porn! You know—two women.”
      
After letting my mind wrap itself around the notion of lisping porn, I decided to shut her down before this got out of control. “Are you telling me you were watching lesbian porn last night?”
      
“Yes. And they were leaving nothing to the imagination. Hour after hour—they wouldn’t quit.”
      
“So that’s why you’re so tired? You couldn’t sleep because you were up all night watching lesbian porn?”
      
She didn’t answer my question. “You get HMO TV don’t you?”
     
 I nodded at the receiver in my hand and let out a wary, “Yeees.” I had a bad feeling about where this was going.
      
“Do you ever watch porn on TV?”
      
“Absolutely not. Besides, the Internet is packed with porn. I can see anything I want 24/7 on the computer.” Yes, I’m really that stupid.
     
 “Is that what you do all day on that computer? Watch porn? You told me you were writing on the blog thingy of yours.”
      
My mother is an expert at changing the subject, but this time I wasn’t about to let her. “Wait just a minute here. YOU’RE the one watching porn, not me.”
     
 “Well, maybe you and your wife (she seldom calls Mrs. Chatterbox by name) should check out this TV porn. Not the lisping kind; the regular kind. God knows you should exercise more, burn off a few calories.”
      
“Mom?”
     
 “Yes, son?”
      
“Could we please change the subject?”
    

44 comments:

  1. There's nothing wrong with your mom. She just needs to get out more.

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  2. I hear you. Many years ago, my dad put a giant satellite dish in the back yard. He told me that he and my mom had watched that new movie on one of the channels: "She Looks Good Dead." He said mom really liked it. She's a Goldie Hawn fan. It took me twenty minutes to figure out he was talking about "Death Becomes Her."

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  3. Your mom cracks me up. She's spunky and I like that.

    Have a terrific day. :)

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  4. LOL. your mom is hilarious. this prompted me to actually google Libyan porn for some reason!

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  5. Your mother needs her own reality show. It could make a fortune. I fell off the chair and almost peed when I read "lisping porn." Gotta get me some of that!! I forget words often and my kids make fun of me...so be nice because you may be there yourself someday.

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  6. LOL.. your mother is hilarious. I'm glad you document your conversations. :)

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  7. That's nasty. I didn't think HBO really showed porn though. I thought that was more Showtime and Cinemax after hours.

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  8. You had me at “I’m eighty-seven years old. EVERYTHING bothers me.”!!

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  9. oh my word! i wonder if she was watching alone or with her buddies.

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  10. It went on for hours. I couldn't take my eyes off it. They wouldn't quit and let me go to bed.... This is so funny!

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  11. I think your mom might have a future as a female Don Rickles- love that feistiness!

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  12. Well your Mom seems to like to test your mental agility as she drives the conversation forward. Great post.

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  13. That was hysterical! Good grief! I still want to know what she was watching for hours and hours--LOL! ;)

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  14. Oh, my! Your Mom is a hoot! Loved this post!

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  15. This reminds me of my grandparents with the replacing of words and meanings, Bless them, conversation could get really confusing if you didn't have a good idea of the subject right off. However, Lybian porn would have REALLY thrown me for a loop. I don't, however, think Grandparents would have discussed it with me. My MOM, maybe, but not them. It was a great chuckle, at any rate...

    Cat

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  16. I love your Mum. She's the kind of woman I'd love to be in a retirement home with...never a dull moment I bet. Smiles - A.

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  17. omg that's hilarious. i was actually lol. i like your mum :)

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  18. I think I should be taking notes so when my kids call me at my version of the Lodge when I am 87, I have material to talk about.

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  19. Oh my... this actually made me laugh out loud. What is really funny is that it sounds like she kept watching.
    It reminds me of my ex-inlaws. They do not have a tv in their house. My ex says they did when he was a child but since I have never known them to have one. They used to visit us often and my FIL would watch the tv, but my MIL would not look at it and would usually sit where she couldn't see it. My FIL would visit sometimes by himself and would stay for hours watching tv, sometimes into the wee hours of the morning. He would be so into whatever was on that many times he would not know if you spoke to him. He was mesmerized by it. But then would argue with you about the evils of tv.

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  20. This is hilarious and I concur with everyone that said you need to do a series on your Mom. How funny how she mixes up the names of things. My mom does that too. Maybe I'll have my own humorous by the time she's in her eighties.

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  21. Catchy title! IO looked at it three times before I said oops "senile." maybe it's me that's senile.
    Your story is funny but very true. Things can really get bent out of reality..

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  22. You can't win with her, can you? Nobody could win with my mom either.

    Love,
    Janie

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  23. oh dear...we watched hysterical last night. figured out the cure for everything, your mom might be on to something.

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  24. You have to love conversations like this, your Mom is a never ending supply of material for posts, you have to laugh at the things she comes up with, HMO what a name for a porn channel.

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  25. Oh, baby, and to think I'm getting closer to that age myself!

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  26. that is just completely hilarious. libyan porn, lisbon porn, lisping porn. ya know....i am sure all that is out there somehow. now i wonder if it would be covered by someone's HMO if they got a referral from their primary care doc.....

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  27. just totally fabulous post. Thanks for making me smile.

    I had a conversation with my mum recently where i tried to explain about turning condensed milk into toffee - twice as frustrating, but not as funny as this

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  28. Now I know where you get your humor. Your mom is one hilarious woman!

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  29. Thanks for the smile today CC! It reminds me of conversations I've had with my mom before she passed.

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  30. I just love this. I really want to write about my own conversations with my mother but, at 85, she's online reading my blog regularly. Our conversations are sometimes not dissimilar. Censored!

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  31. This gave me my biggest smile of the day. Libyan porn - I love it! I always wondered what that Colonel Gadaffi got up to in his spare time.

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  32. Funny mommy! I'm not sure I would have got her to change the subject though. ;)

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  33. Well, guess I have to come back and make a second comment on congrats on the POTW!!

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  34. How did I miss this one? good thing you made potw. Lisping porn...damn...I'm gonna get me some HMO!

    Sounds like my mom, now I really miss her.

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  35. too funny! or not... congrats on the POTW!

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  36. LOLOLOLOL. I'm laughing my ass off. Does your mom know you wrote about her on your "blog thingy of yours"?

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  37. this is fabulous!!
    you should send it to HBO :)

    congrats on POTW

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  38. ahahahhaha!! Your mom is fabulous!!!
    Coming via Hilary's blog! Congratulations on the POTW! Richly deserved!!

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  39. Nice to have a mom to keep one on track

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  40. ROTFL.... that is really funny. My Grandkids get a kick out of me watching Jersey Shore. I have no idea why I watch it but I do. LOL.... getting old sucks.

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