“I’m sorry, but I have to kill
you.”
“Why? Am I bothering you?”
“No, but that isn’t the point.”
“What is the point? I have a right to know. After all, it’s my life we’re
talking about.”
“Well, it’s hardly a life. After all,
you’re only a spider.”
“Only a spider? How dare you! I belong to
a species so perfect in design that nature hasn’t changed me in hundreds of
millions of years. Do you know what humans looked like millions of years ago?
Here’s a clue: check the treetops.”
“So you admit that humans are more evolved
than spiders?”
“You miss the point. Are all humans as
dense as you?”
“You’re making it a lot easier to squish
you.”
“Let me put it another way. Do you believe
in reincarnation? I understand many of you humans do. Perhaps I was once your
ancestor—a beloved grandfather. You wouldn’t want to squish Grandpa, would
you?”
“I don’t believe in reincarnation.”
“Shit…thought I had you on that one.”
“Enough, already. It’s time to end this.
Are you ready to meet your Maker?”
“Not so fast. Keep your shoe on. What’s
the rush? I mean, how often do you have a conversation with a talking spider?”
“You don’t understand the delicate dance
of human relationships. You’re in our
bathtub and my wife is in her
bathrobe, cringing behind the door and waiting to hear the
flush that will send you swirling
down the toilet.
“Bathtub? I thought I was on a glacier.
Anyway, please tell me I’m not about to die just because your wife has ordered
you to murder me. Do you do everything she tells you to do?”
“It goes back to that delicate dance I
mentioned. I’m the man; I kill the bugs. She does nearly everything else around
the house and my main purpose is to kill bugs.”
“I’ll have you know that I’m much more
than a bug! I’m a miracle of nature. I
can lift ten times my body weight, go months without eating, and I can produce
a web capable of withstanding a hurricane. Can you do any of these things?”
“No.”
“I see from your expression that I’m not
convincing you to spare my life. Spiders often eat their mates. If you ate
yours, you wouldn’t have to obey her anymore.”
“Nice try, but it’s the female spiders,
larger and more powerful than males, who do the eating.”
“Drat! Somebody’s been watching the
Discovery Channel too much.”
“Enough already. I’m taking off my shoe so
you’d better look away.”
“Okay. I gave it my best try. Just one
more thing. When you were a kid did your teacher read you Charlotte’s Web?”
“Yes.”
“What was the name of Charlotte’s friend,
that cute little pig?”
“His name was Wilbur.”
“That’s right. Tell me, did you cry like Wilbur
when Charlotte died at the end of the
story?”
“You really are a son of a bitch.”
“Hey, where are you going?”
“To the kitchen to get a glass. I’ll trap
you and dump you in the garden.”
“Thanks, Wilbur.”
Submitted to my friends at DudeWrite.
