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Thursday, January 12, 2012

Garum: Would You Eat This Stuff?

 
     Since I was a kid I’ve been fascinated with Ancient Rome. Had I been that kid in the movie Airport I’d have answered yes when Peter Graves asked, “Do you like gladiator movies?” Sure the Romans had their problems, mostly a societal thirst for blood and a system of governance that makes our politics look like kindergarten squabbles, but Rome still managed to effectively rule a land area that today is poorly governed by no fewer than forty governments. And they did so with one law and one currency. But I want to discuss something more important than Rome’s lasting cultural legacy. I want to discuss fish sauce.
     At this point you might be thinking about shuffling off to another blog, but hang in here. We don’t have a recipe but garum seems to have been some sort of sauce made from the rotten entrails of fish and eels. Wait, don’t go yet. I promise this will get interesting. 
     What if I told you that ancient documents from 200 B.C.E. have been discovered placing a value on a shipload of this goop at the equivalent of eighty-five million dollars? You’d probably say that garum must have been one helluva fish sauce to be valued up there with gold and other precious commodities.
     We know that garum was the caviar of the ancient world. Just about every recipe to have survived from that time includes it as an ingredient, even desserts, and when the Emperor Augustus’ granddaughter Julia was exiled to a remote island she claimed that there was something she couldn’t live without. No, not her four copies of the Twilight
series; it was garum.
     So what was the big deal? Why are most of the wrecked Roman cargo ships on the
bottom of the Mediterranean Sea filled with amphora that once contained garum? We know the product was produced on the outskirts of towns and cities, but was this because of the fetid smell or was there another reason, as experts have recently suggested? Was the State controlling production? Were emperors hoarding the formula of a f*#king fish sauce?
     The Discovery Channel recently aired a program intent on shedding light on this mystery. The recipe for garum, like KFC’s seven secret herbs and spices, has not survived, but scientists decided to recreate the stuff. They guessed at the types of fish and eels used, macerated them in a bucket until they had a slimy concoction of fish and entrails, and then left the bucket in the sun for a long period of time. Romans let the concoction ferment for up to three months. Like you, I’m getting sick just thinking about it.
     But scientists are an intrepid folk and on the Discovery program a brave fellow came forward to sample the eye-watering, bile-inducing substance. He scooped some of the sludge with a piece of bread, popped it into his mouth and chewed. Once his urge to vomit passed, he noticed something interesting: the garum had practically no taste, but it didn’t take long for him to conclude that this was the best bread he’d EVER eaten. He started sampling garum with other foods; fruits, cheeses, meats, sweets. Each time he concluded that the garum had little to no taste while enhancing whatever it was added to.
     This phenomenon was confirmed by other scientists who’d gathered to watch their associate blow chow. Before long all of the scientists were tucking in and feasting. Soon another experience befell these men of science: they were all stoned out of their minds and infected with a ravenous case of the munchies. If this experiment were accurate, garum was also an hallucinogenic. Maybe young Romans put flower power bumper stickers on their chariots and rode out to the countryside to cast off their togas and cavort in a pagan celebration called Woodstockius. Perhaps Caligula had just powered down a batch when he decided to have his horse declared a consul of Rome. As for Nero; was he craving Fourth Meal so much that he set fire to Rome out of frustration when the nearest Taco Bell sold out of garum tacos?
     What I wouldn’t give for just a tiny taste. What effect might it have on me? I wonder: Hail Emperor Chubbius….

18 comments:

  1. LOL - that is FASCINATING! And disgusting... You know there will be people trying to replicate it.

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  2. An awesome and fascinating story Stephen, do you mind if I put it on my blog as a guest post from you?

    Made my day!

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  3. One of the main problems with hallucinogens is that even if the recipe is written down, unless you're positive it was written down before ingestion, then glabnarx with the frippy trollop nunganoonga.

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  4. Great story! I missed the part where it went out of favor. Did everyone get so stoned making it they forgot the recipe?

    S

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  5. I'll pass on this nasty stuff. I don't care what kind of a great trip I'd have using this. I can't get past the idea. Just saying.

    Have a terrific day and thanks again for yet another great story. :)

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  6. It reminds me of the episode of "Futurama" where Bender the robot wants to be a chef but since he's a robot he has no sense of taste. Finally he receives a "magic" ingredient that makes even the most horrid looking stuff taste awesome. The ingredient: LSD. So life copies "art" or life copies "art" that copied life. Whatever.

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  7. My 13-year-old son has always been fascinated with Ancient Rome. He said he's never heard of garum. I breathed a sigh of relief.

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  8. Somehow I'm wondering if you just made all of this up and are pulling our leg.

    Off to google "garum."

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  9. PP:
    I'm not pulling your leg. Folks today are trying to replicate this concoction, but there's no way for us to know how accurate their efforts are. Your Google search will prove that this stuff was real, and will confirm that fortunes were made and lost on it throughout the Roman Empire.

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    1. I seem to be having problems responding to your blog at the moment - i click on it and the comments box vanishes

      The romans were an interesting bunch all right

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  10. Crikey,I'm surprised Heinz hasn't thought to get it on the production line.

    SP

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  11. Like you I am fascinated by the history of ancient Rome. Never heard of garum though -- can't help but wonder if it caused the rise or the fall of the Roman empire?

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    1. The problem with the Roman Empire was they spoke Latin and nobody could understand them to the point that they were ignored until they went away.

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  12. Yikes you've almost turned rotting fish guts into an appetizing treat. But, being the coward I am, I'm stealing a dark beer from the fridge and retreating back to the roof. Let me know when the experiment is over.

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  13. Do you plan on experimenting? (glad I live upwind)

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  14. This is an excellent post. I went into the other room, found it on SWMBO's laptop and read it to her. And she came home this afternoon and went straight to bed with a vicious cold. But she found it as fascinating as I did. I want some garum. I'm reminded of durian, which supposedly smells to high heaven but tastes wonderful.

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  15. Huh? Garum.... Ive never heard of this.... Makes crazy sense though... aint no party like a garum party!!

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    1. People are disgusted by garum, but I wonder what they would think if they knew how ketchup is made... it's just as disgusting!!!! What about sausages? Nuggets? Worchestershire sauce?

      Besides, there is a modern varitation of garum that is sold in Italy, Colatura di alici, which is produced using the same methods and is regarded as wonderful by everyone that tries it!!

      I wonder what Romans would think of blue cheese if they tried it....

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