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Friday, March 23, 2012

My Misguided Attempt At Erotica



A new friend recently posted a titillating piece of erotica that sent me dashing for my second shower of the day. I wish I could write racy prose, not that I haven’t tried. Years ago I learned that many bodice-ripper romances, similar to those that filled Mrs. C’s bookshelves, were written by men. I set my sights on becoming a romance novelist. My manuscript was called For Love Returned, and my heroine, Allison, was described as someone capable of giving a marble statue an erection. She lived in eighteenth century England and was engaged to a handsome sea captain named Justin. Their happiness was cut short when Allison was convicted and sent to prison for a crime she didn’t commit. Logic, it seemed, wasn’t a necessary ingredient in these sultry soufflés. More stuff happened…blah…blah…blah.


I’d write ten pages a day and Mrs. Chatterbox (an English major) would come home from a hard day at the office and edit what I’d written, often trimming ten pages down to a few paragraphs. After months of writing and editing, I finally had a modest-sized book. All that remained was the climatic love scene that typically concluded these stories.


You couldn’t just end with: And they boinked and lived happily ever after! Everything had to be couched in metaphor; boobs were rosy blossoms unfurling with arousal, and a man’s unit was a staff of virility ready to probe the interior of her most hidden passions. It was embarrassing how good I was at writing this stuff. I didn’t discuss the ending with my wife; I didn’t want to ruin it for her. My goal was to write something guaranteed to make women moist.


I left our three year old son, CJ, with a sitter and bought a bottle of wine and some candles. I dimmed the lights and put romantic music on the radio. I had little doubt that I would be rewarded with wild lovemaking when Mrs. C’s juices started flowing, thanks to my wicked prose.


When my wife came home from work she said, “Why’s it so dark in here?”


Why? You’ll know soon enough, m’lady. “I thought candles would be nice for a change.”


She sank into a chair. “God, what a horrible day!”


I handed her a glass of wine as she kicked off her shoes. I rubbed her feet and envisioned what


I’d be getting rubbed as soon as my torrid words put her in the proper mood.


“Where’s CJ?” she wanted to know.


“I arranged for him to stay at the sitter’s for a few hours.”


She took a sip of wine. “Why did you do that?”


You’ll know soon enough, my coy wench. “I thought it would be nice to be alone.”


“Did anything interesting happen today? I don’t usually come home to candles, wine and music. What’s up?”


I took a deep breath. “I finished For Love Returned today.”


“You did?” she exclaimed, with less enthusiasm than I’d expected. “You finished the love scene?”


“Yep!”


“How did it turn out?


“Guaranteed to make one moist!” I bragged.


She didn’t say anything.


“You do want to read it, don’t you?” I tried not to sound too needy.


“Of course I do; it’s just that I’m not feeling very…”


“Very what?”


“Moist. I’m not feeling very moist right now. It was a killer of a day and perhaps it would be best if I read it tomorrow.”


My face fell. I gave her my best kicked puppy look.


“Oh all right! Let’s have a look at it.”


“If you insist!” I produced the final pages and added, “I think you need what these pages have to offer.”


She wrinkled her face. “I need what they have to offer?”


This wasn’t going well, but I knew everything would work out according to plan once she finished reading. “Just take these pages into the bedroom and give them a read.” Then get ready to screw my brains out!


She grabbed the pages along with the wine and disappeared into the bedroom.


While she read, I popped a Tic-Tac in my mouth and fluffed the cushions on the couch in case her return was accompanied with such passion that we weren’t able to make it back to the bedroom. Then I heard something unsettling, the last thing I should have been hearing. The tic-tac slid down my throat and I started coughing. I spit it up, and as an indicator that nothing was going according to plan, it landed on one of the candles on the coffee table, causing the tiny flame to gutter and go out. In the background I heard my wife—howling with laughter.


My future as a romance writer also flamed out, not that day but in the weeks to come when more women read my manuscript and thought it hysterical. Not a single female was made moist by my story. Mrs. C. felt guilty at having derailed my writing career and provided me with several weeks of pity sex, which I wasn’t too proud to make the best of.


Posted to Dude Write.

50 comments:

  1. now i'm really curious about those pages , Mr Chatterbox !
    haha.

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  2. You know there's an "award" every year for the worst love scene. Maybe you could win with this!

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  3. You'll understand if I skipped the scene. But good luck to you!

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  4. bwahahahahahhahahahaha.....

    *wipes tears from eyes from laughing so hard

    Bwahahahahahahahahaha......

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  5. It's never good when a plan backfires, but if it brings a funny story to tell, then I would say it wasn't so bad. But yeah, I'm wondering what that last written scene was.

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  6. Really enjoyed this post so I reblogged it here http://sarchasm2.wordpress.com/2012/03/23/a-friend-of-mine-chubby-chatterbox-wrote-this-post/

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  7. LMAO!!! I just imagined this seen, u poor man.

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  8. There's a saying:
    "Men plan; God laughs."

    Obviously, so do women ...and I heard they didn't have a sense of humor?

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  9. I am sorry, Stephen, but I am howling too!!! A well-written and funny post!!! Maybe you should stick to technical journals or look for a copy of "Romance Novels for Dummies"...do they have one??? Laurel (Have a lucky weekend)

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  10. Maybe this is why I laugh at most of those romance novels. Written by men, eh?

    Well, at least she took pity on you. ;)

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  11. You might have to let us read it too - just to make sure it was quite as bad as was originally thought ;-)

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  12. Maybe there is a new genre for romance called "comedic romance". The ending must have been a doozy. Having known several real people that have made a living writing romance novels, I am always amazed at the comparison of how they appear in person and the ripping bodices, heaving bossoms and staffs of love crud they write. I will say, I haven't seen their husbands howling with laughter but they also aren't grinning ear-to-ear.

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  13. Apparently you have recovered enough that you don't mind the rest of us laughing with you, that's another good thing.

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  14. Calling in sick with a heaving loin doesn't work all that well either. Getting laughed at is the response to most of my writing so I gave up and just wrote humor. Let me know if you ever figure out what turns women on for those of the not so bulging muscle persuasion, because housework is getting old.

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  15. hee hee, oh I wish I could have read that. Well written Mr Chatterbox. Sarchasm posted your link and I am glad. I really enjoyed. :)

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  16. It must take a special type of mind to write romance novels. I myself have never been interested in them, but I would have wished you much luck anyway. So are you saying you don't write anymore? Your wife sounds like a real character. Maybe you should write stuff more like your real life. As long as you are going to get people laughing, you have some good examples at home. You two must keep your friends in stitches.

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  17. Some are hot and some are not. Bwahahahahaha.

    Have a terrific day and weekend. :)

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  18. This was absolutely hilarious- so very funny!

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  19. I wanna be boinked and live happily ever after, boinking every single night. That's the only ending to the story that I need. I really wish you'd post what you wrote. I could use a good laugh since I know I'm not getting boinked.

    Love,
    Janie Junebug

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  20. That was hilarious! thanks for the best laugh I've had today!!!

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  21. Maybe you need a course in procreative writing.

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  22. I'm about to embark on a writing journey through a number of genres; many of which I've never read. I suspect I'll end up in the same predicament.

    With genre it's not "write what you know", but "write what you read". If you want to write in a new genre you need to do your reading first. :)

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  23. What you may lack in writing erotica, you more than make up for with comedy!

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  24. I'm laughing so hard my eyes are moist. Now Mom's reading over my shoulder and, yep, she's giggling. I think you just picked up another fan.

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  25. I'm guessing it was better than, "He humped me wildly with his weiner." That was the first attempt at erotica by Sara Barron, author of People Are Unappealing: Even Me. Of course, she was eleven at the time...

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  26. Hilarious! And she got a kid-free foot rub, a glass of wine and a laugh out it.

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  27. Hahaha! Funny...Poor you...but ur wife shouldn't feel guilty for flaming off ur prospects as a romance writer..You wrote something that funny! :D

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  28. Shoot - I would have jumped your bones just for having thought through to get the kid out of the house! Loved this story - too funny!

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  29. Such a cute post! Thanks for the amusing read (sorry it didn't go well, but if at first you don't succeed...blah blah blah..." No really, I sucked at first too. It takes practice and lots of reading and "research" :D If you had FUN writing it, then don't give up completely!

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  30. This was hilarious. She probably spilled her wine laughing so hard. That's moisture. ;)

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  31. Maybe you've stumbled on a whole new genre! For reals.

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  32. for a lot of women, humor is very attractive. and maybe it doesn't make us moist, but it makes us inclined to allow you to make us moist once you've made us laugh. i don't know if you've ever been to a strip club for women, but those male strippers have women giggling and crossing their legs all over the place.

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  33. Hilarious. Maybe you just need a new test audience?

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  34. This made me laugh! I love the part about fluffing the pillows in case y'all couldn't wait for the bed. One can dream! Thanks for linking up with us over at #findingthefunny this week!

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  35. Dude, you never turn down sex, pity or otherwise.

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  36. I think you've achieved something here. You essentially made a woman laugh enough into having sex with you. I speak on behalf of all aspiring comedians when I say, I wish this event was more common.

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  37. Chatterbox, this is hilarious. You are a gifted writer, those women be damned! If it's any consolation... you got me a little moist.

    Loved it!


    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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  38. Oh, God, this was so funny!! I need to read this book!

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  39. One of the funniest post I've read in a while!

    Your goal was to make women moist....isn't that all of our goals?

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  40. Well ... their faces were made moist with the tears of laughter ... take solace, my friend.

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  41. I've never thought to try to write romance. I do remember that Danny Glover's wife in Lethal Weapon was secretly writing romance novels.

    Fun story, loved the inner dialogue.

    WG

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  42. You must share those last pages with us. You know, I always thought that laughter could lead to moisture...I guess not! I never heard of a funny romance scene. I'm curious!

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  43. You know, all my girlfriends will tell you it's my sense of humor that helped me get into their pants... Maybe you're starting a new genre? Humorotica...

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  44. Interestingly, my ex-girlfriend hated the word "moist" more than anything in the world.

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  45. Despite my laughter at this post, I stand with many others in believing that you must post that last love scene. Another dude write entry perhaps?

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  46. Chubby, don't forget to link this up in the Diamond Club. The button is top row on DudeWrite.

    WG

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  47. I love your use of the term..."flamed out". It had me laughing!!! :D)

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  48. SEVERAL WEEKS of pity sex? Whatever works. If I were you I'd keep writing crap until my wiener fell off.

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