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Monday, April 23, 2012

Single Ply Miracle


Last Friday I got up at 6:00 AM to go swimming at our public pool. I usually celebrate this rare act of exercise by bringing home pastries from the Albertsons I pass along the way. Mrs. Chatterbox has Fridays off and sleeps in. She works for the local police department and is always telling me where crimes occur, such as the local swim center. She’s made me promise to leave my credit card at home before heading to the pool.


Two weeks ago as I prepared to go swimming, I noticed both of our bathrooms were out of toilet paper. Anticipating how grumpy she would be on waking up without any, I decided to pick up a package on my way home, along with the pastries. Usually we buy toilet paper in bulk from Costco, massive mattress-sized packages, but somehow we hadn’t gotten around to it.


I got to the store and opened my wallet to find that I only had enough cash to purchase two pastries, with one dollar left over. I don’t believe in ATMs and can’t remember my pin number anyway. Of course the shelves were filled with various packages of toilet paper, all of them costing more than a dollar. Single rolls were also available—for a buck.


Problem: Mrs. Chatterbox is very picky. A comet needs to be shrieking into Earth’s atmosphere for her to even consider using anything less than quilted or double ply. This dollar roll of toilet paper was single ply. I took a chance, on the assumption that it was better than nothing, which was what awaited Mrs. C. when she climbed out of bed and trotted to the bathroom.


When I got home with my purchases she was already awake, and on the couch enjoying a cup of coffee.


“I brought you something,” I said.


“Pastries?”


“Yes, along with something more important.”


I reached into the grocery bag for the roll of toilet paper and tossed it to her. I expected her to compliment me for taking the initiative. In our forty years together I can’t count the number of times she’s said things like: If you were driving past the store why didn’t you stop and pick up some milk…or spaghetti…or cereal…or lunch meat…or bread…or, well you get the idea.


She eyed the roll of single ply like it was a land mine. “What the heck is this?” she asked, tossing it back at me.


“I noticed we were out. I bought some so you wouldn’t have to go without this morning.”


“This is single ply! We NEVER use single ply. And what about the jumbo package I picked up at Costco on Wednesday? The pantry is full of toilet paper. Did you even bother to check?”


The answer was obvious. I hadn’t. Stupid…yes, but she could have thrown me a bone, a little recognition just for thinking about it.


I usually frequent the downstairs bathroom near the family room while Mrs. C. confines herself to the upstairs bathroom attached to our bedroom. I marched off and placed my ridiculed and rejected single ply on the empty roller in my bathroom. So what if it was single ply and dissolved into a handful of lint the minute it got damp? I bought it, and as a matter of principle I intended to suffer through the entire roll. And so I did: I used it, and used it, and used it. That roll of toilet paper may have been cheap, but it was endless. Last week I had a cold and blew my nose constantly, and that roll just wouldn’t get any smaller.


Which made me think of catechism class when I was a kid. We were told about Jesus feeding the multitudes with just a few loaves and fishes, and it seemed a similar miracle was happening with my roll of single ply. Was I experiencing a religious phenomenon? Was it time to assemble the media in my cramped windowless bathroom to experience something astonishing?


Eventually, I discovered that something less than miraculous was happening. My puckish wife had gone to the store and bought more of the cheap single ply. Without my noticing, she was replacing the roll when it got low.


Sometimes she scares me. I think she’s an evil genius.

36 comments:

  1. Hello - just dropped into your blog and read your post and am having a good morning giggle about the single ply - ha,ha
    Have a great day.

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  2. I like her sense of humor. Your's too, but hers is really top shelf! :)

    S

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  3. That really is evil of her to keep making you use single-ply paper.

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  4. Hahahaha!!! After the last few posts about Mrs. C, I'm thinking she could teach a class. :)

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  5. Oh that is just WRONG!!

    Cranky Old Man

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  6. LOL Typical. Such a thoughtful gift gets poooh pooohed no pun intended :)

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  7. Boy does she have a lot of time on her hands! We have to buy single ply because we are on septic and we have to be nice to it!

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  8. I told you, I LOVE HER!!!! LMAO!!! My hubby has one of those tiny little potty room too..next to the laundry...all of his serious reading is done there. BUT, he does have a window. I'm still LMAO!!!

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  9. Oh, that is too funny and sounds like something I would do to my husband1 lol

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  10. Now it all makes sense. As I was reading, I was thinking I never have such luck with single ply. It's gone within a day or two. I'm in awe that Mrs. C. went through all that to pull this prank. She is an evil, playful genius.

    xoRobyn

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  11. your wife is definitely an evil genius. so conniving and funny!

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  12. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! She's a very clever one, she is!

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  13. She's a genius indeed. Bwahahahahahaha. I love your wife.

    Have a terrific day. :)

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  14. This is a very funny story, but I have some questions: Why didn't you check the cupboard? A senior moment, perhaps? What happened to all the toilet rolls your wife replaced with new ones? And finally, how long did it take you to 'twig'?

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  15. You are so blessed to have such a smart wife :).

    Loving her :).

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  16. OMG! Still giggling! Sorry, but that is such a guy thing to not check for more rolls. ROFL! And your wife just may be an evil genius. ;)

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  17. That is wonderful! Reminds me of me and my hubby!!

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  18. Great post! Found you via Janie's blog. Following!

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  19. HaHa! I'd do something as evil as making my man think there was an endless supply of Scott tissue, which feels like sandpaper and you have to twice as much! Scotts has also fed my petulant fear of putting my finger through it. I honestly don't understand how anyone could use the stuff! Scott's about as stable as my cat's emotions on his bath day!

    For the giggle, I'm following this blog. I want some more tips on how get even with your man. Your wife seems to know what she's doing! LOL

    Mandi

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  20. OMG my husband and I have the same comversation, but it's me the cheapskate who does most if not all the shopping. And my sweetie pie always wants the deluxe model of TP and somehow the Scot in me "forgets" what brand it is that he likes....call me stubbborn or call me cheap- that's our on going drama in our royal throne rooms. Thanks for the good laugh!

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  21. That roll kinda goes on like some presidential administrations. None in particular.

    Hon used to yell at me for getting too much TP, so I started hoarding a few rolls in my shop. If she runs out, she goes to get it. I am a guy that changes them on the roller too.

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  22. We're (and by "we" I mean women) all evil geniuses. Cheap single ply is also too rough for our delicate bottoms.

    Love,
    Janie

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  23. I'll be asking for Mrs. C's phone number next year when I'm getting ready to think of April fool's jokes to play on friends and family!

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  24. Well, tally another one for our side.

    I once threw a roll of toilet paper at my husband. I was sick in bed at the time, with no tissues, only a fresh roll of TP. He popped in to tell me something like the dishes needed doing, or I needed to get up and make him a sandwich for lunch. I disagreed. And as he threw up his arms and turned to stomp out of the bedroom, I winged that roll at him like a teenage champion midnight T-P-er would fire one at the top branches of a tall maple. It bounced off the back of his head. He stormed back in and picked it up. Brandished it at me. "DID YOU THROW THIS?"

    Of course I said no.

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  25. Really funny. You had me right to the end and then you threw in the surprise.

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  26. Oh that is so funny, and sooooo something I would do!! I too am Very picky about my paper products, TP as well as paper towels. My husband has bought that cheap stuff too at times, I refuse to use them! He has finally given in and buys the kind I prefer or just lets me purchase such things.
    But, your story did make me literally Laugh Out Loud!!

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  27. That is awesome!!! She won that one!! Myself I am not that picky.... I can really use any ply.... I have really only one rule.... it just has to be unused!!!

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  28. You had me laughing out loud with this one. I could learn a lot from your wife. :)

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  29. Sounds right to me. If you are willing to use the cheap, single ply, falls apart as it comes off the roller, crappy toilet paper, might as well have that in your bathroom and the double ply, quilted, soft, thick, paper in the wife's bathroom. Makes sense.

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  30. Women! My purchase of toilet paper got me into trouble with Mrs Jones some time ago. Not because I opted for single-ply, rather that the colour did not match the bathroom decor.

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  31. No wonder you two are so happy together! You both have a sense of humor. Great story.

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  32. I applaud you for going to the store. But I think that Mrs. C might have a pretty good sense of humor, too. Ahem. Hee!

    Cat

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  33. she is on my program...my kids get the cheap stuff.

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  34. HILARIOUS!!!! That was the best trick ever!

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  35. Thanks for making me laugh this morning :)

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