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Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Ted


Enough of you have been following long enough for me to lower my guard to share an intimacy. I want to introduce a member of the Chatterbox clan who, up until now, hasn’t been mentioned, the only family member who doesn’t live up to the family name of Chatterbox—Ted.


Ted speaks very little. He came to live with us the Christmas of ‘09 when we were snowed in and the only store Mrs. Chatterbox and I could reach on foot was the Rite Aid down the road. We did all our Christmas shopping there. Mrs. C. bought me a package of Metamucil cookies (yum) and a Slinky, and I splurged ten bucks on Ted because Mrs. C. still retained her little girl fetish for horses. I almost picked a puzzle of a black stallion but it came with only eight pieces and Mrs. C., a college graduate, would have been able to piece the puzzle together in less than ten or twenty minutes. So Ted trotted home with us.


But for some reason Ted never warmed up to Mrs. C. and quickly bonded with me. Isn’t this the way it so often happens? My wife named Ted, bathes and feeds him. She sees to it that he’s warm and dry, and flushes him out occasionally with garden hose enemas when he gets backed up, but Ted’s glass eyes only light up for me.


Mrs. C. tells a story about a snowy Christmas when she was six and growing up in Chicago. When the presents were all unwrapped her father asked if she’d gotten everything she wanted—a dumb thing to ask a six-year-old if you ask me—and she stamped her little foot and said, “NO I WANT A PUPPY!” So her dad trudged off into a blizzard on Christmas day and purchased a puppy that grew up to ignore Mrs. C. for the next twelve years. Now Ted ignores her.


Ted and I spend a lot of time together in the afternoon. No! We don’t nap together. Naps are for babies and kindergarten kids. Ted and I enjoy a southern European custom known as a siesta. We spoon a lot, I’m not ashamed to admit it, and we’ve come to accept each other’s sleeping habits. He is a pillow hog and I snore. He’s been known to chase jockeys in his sleep, and he whinnies. But it’s quite soft and doesn’t keep me awake. What does keep me awake is when he eats carrots, which requires us to sleep with a window open.


Unlike most horses, Ted doesn’t have any bones, which makes it possible for him to hold my bottled water when I’m using him as an i-Pad caddy. Truth be told, I think it’s a good thing Ted doesn’t have bones because Mrs. C. is frustrated by the complicated and intimate relationship Ted and I share. She’s even threatened to send Ted to the glue factory, but they won’t take him because glue comes from rending down horse bones. This makes Ted safe. I know this fact about glue because Ted made me Google it.

27 comments:

  1. LOL - I have a LOT of stuffed animals in my home. Since we don't have kids we have inanimate furbabies. Or ARE they inanimate?

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  2. Sounds like one day you might wake up and find Ted's severed head in your bed a la "The Godfather" once the missus gets too fed up with Ted neglecting her.

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  3. That is hilarious! I don't know what I find funnier, the fact that you and Ted have a "thing" or what a clever way to prop up an IPad that can also hold a bottle of water. I truly laughed out loud..not just typing LOL.

    What a sweet story about Mrs. Chatterbox's parents going out after the puppy. I, too grew up in the Chicago area and had my parents run to the Osco in the middle of winter late one night because I was being left out while the other kids had hoola hoops.

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  4. This is completely hilarious. I'm going to have to wipe my computer screen now because I spewed my water all over it...

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  5. My ex-husband's name was Ted; I like your Ted much better! Loved this post!

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  6. Too funny. Everyone should have a Ted. :)

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  7. LOL! I like Ted. I feel like I know him although I've never met him.

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  8. I'm glad that you shared Ted with us. He needs a voice in the virtual world. My sister who had always wanted a pony got a horse from our parents several years ago (in adulthood). When I asked for a pony a few years later, I got one like Ted. Maybe they really do like me more!

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  9. I like Ted and I think he's safe...well for the most part.

    Have a terrific day. My best to Ted. :)

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  10. Dear Mrs. Chatterbox, I'm so sorry to hear about Mr. Chatterbox's relationship with, of all things, a boneless horse. If men are going to cheat on us, can't they at least choose someone we want to beat up?

    Mr. Chatterbox, If you and Ted get into any S&M and need a safe word, I recommend "nay."

    Love,
    Janie

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  11. I think we all need a friend like Ted - quiet, accommodating and useful and with eyes only for us. I had to google Metamucil, and assume you are supposed to eat the cookies, right?

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  12. I love that Ted also works as an iPad and water bottle holder!
    I have a squatty rabbit given to me as a gift about 19 years ago--and I am not a stuffed animal kind of girl. But I have ended up sleeping with it every night, cuddled under my chin. How silly of me!
    Ted does have an elegance about him and he does look nice and squishy for cuddling during siesta. ;)

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  13. Ted sounds a lot like the cats; i feed and water and scoop the boxes, and they all love Sweetie. Cats also have the ability to become boneless when it becomes necessary to get through a small space they aren't supposed to be able to get into.

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  14. It's about time we were introduced to Ted. A very handsome fellow, indeed -- please give him my best regards ...

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  15. Sorry Stephen, but I can't get the disturbing image of you and Ted spooning out of mind!!

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  16. A useful pet, what could be better? :)

    Cat

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  17. Oh, come on, we all know you by now, admit it - you bought Ted for yourself!

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  18. It looks like you've led Ted to water. Now, for the next step...that's a mighty big bottle just for you.

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  19. Hilarious! But I can't say I don't have my own version of Ted either :)

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  20. Love Ted.
    I have to hide my toys from Hubby because he puts them in suggestive positions when I'm not looking.

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  21. I have to admit that I have a teddy bear. I actually bought it a few years ago. What's that all about. Mind you he lives on a high shelf where I can ignore him. You have inspired a blog post. Thanks.

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  22. We have no stuffed toys but two of our cats think I'm their lap pet. The third one stays close to SWMBO.

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  23. I used to have Ted's cousin (I think). Only, he wasn't quite as handsome or helpful. I decided to donate him to Goodwill (where were first met) before moving. He took up too much room. Now, I'm feeling a bit guilty. Ted's lucky to have you and Mrs. C.

    xoRobyn

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  24. Glad to find your blog! Recommended to me by Charlotte @charlottesmenagerie. Ted reminds me of a wheelbarrow a friend of mine got for Christmas from her husband!

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  25. spectacularly rendered. I'm now in love with Ted too. You should have posted this for April 1st, even though it's true, so many would have assumed you were joshing them. Hugs to Ted and happy wave to you, thanks for the congratulatory comment you left, I'm so darn excited about the article!
    Best,
    Jenn

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