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Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Furniture Fiasco


Have you ever purchased a piece of furniture only to realize you’d made a dreadful mistake? Mrs. Chatterbox and I made a regrettable decision when we visited Paris on our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary.


Our trip had been a bust; much of the city was on strike; all the museums, monuments, and many of the churches were closed. Trains were also shut down so we couldn’t leave town. Bored, we decided to kill time at the Paris flea market which, unfortunately as it turned out, happened to be open.


We found a massive armoire that we thought perfect for hiding the ugly big screen TV in our living room. Crafted in the 1740s, it was almost ten feet tall. It cost nearly as much as our trip. Our judgment might have been impacted by our disappointment that Paris had shut its door on us, but we decided the armoire was just the gift to give each other to celebrate our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. We arranged for it to be crated and shipped home.


(Note: If you ever buy anything large in Europe, pay in advance and have it shipped home PAID IN FULL. Otherwise, the price will triple by the time it’s delivered to you. Also, you’re paying by size rather than weight, so don’t be stupid like we were and ship it home empty.)


Delivery was delayed by cargo handler strikes in Paris, Antwerp, Montreal and Seattle. Nearly six months after we returned from Paris, a truck arrived with the crated armoire. I couldn’t help thinking that if the damn thing had been shipped by frigate in the 1740s when it was made, it would have gotten here quicker, even without a Panama Canal.


CJ was home from college, and he and I worked up a sweat prying open the crate. When he looked inside he laughed and said, “Shit, it’s another wooden box! Are there dozens of these things inside, each one smaller than the next like Russian dolls?”


I wiped the sweat from my face and assured him there was only one box to uncrate, but it did seem ridiculous that we’d paid to box a big box. CJ summoned a few friends and it took all of us to drag the behemoth armoire into the living room; it was solid oak and weighed a ton. I hoped it wouldn’t crash through the floor. After we lifted the big screen TV into the armoire CJ, our mechanical wizard, hooked up all the wires so our entertainment system would work. When the task was completed we shared cokes and admired our work. The armoire, looking like an ornate confessional, nearly touched the ceiling and made our big screen TV look miniscule. I could now go to confession without leaving the house, and I could watch Antiques Roadshow while making my contrition.


CJ, who’d grown so tall by then that he loomed over me, waited until his friends had left to put his arm on my shoulder and say, “Dad, I love you. But there’s no way in hell I’m ever going to help you move this stupid thing!”


I swigged the coke and said,” You poor bastard; hasn’t it occurred to you that as an only child you’re gonna inherit it?”


As it turned out, CJ didn’t inherit the colossal armoire. The floor of our living room began to buckle beneath its weight. And it might have been old but it wasn’t constructed well and it began to tilt like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Adding insult to injury, our TV never got good reception in it. We finally called an antique gallery that agreed to place it in one of their upcoming auctions. We learned that the armoire might be old but its value was limited because it wasn’t made from decorative wood like walnut or cherry, and it was too big to be practical in most homes today. We were also obligated to pay three hundred dollars for pick up and delivery to their gallery, which would come from the proceeds.


Our Paris souvenir failed at auction; no one even bid on it. We’d been told that if it wasn’t sold we’d be notified so they could return it. Unfortunately for the gallery, they were unable to contact us because we’d moved away. Through a terrible oversight we’d failed to provide a forwarding address or phone number, so they were unable to return it to us.


Sometimes I almost feel bad about it.


P.S. If you think we were fools to give this up when you would have snapped it up in a New York minute, consider that our armoire was much bigger than the one pictured. And twice as heavy. It took five men and a dolly to remove it from our house. Also, our armoire wasn’t shiny walnut like this one, and it tilted. We spent a thousand dollars repairing our floor so we could sell the house.


Still want it?

39 comments:

  1. That thing sounds like the furniture equivalent of fruitcake. Everyone just keeps passing it along because they find out they really don't want it.

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  2. I've heard of moving in the middle of the night to get way from the bill collector, but to avoid getting back a piece of furniture? Good story, probably the most expensive one you've ever written.

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  3. You've told a very funny story -- though I'll bet you still cringe when you think about how much that mistake cost you! Didn't you ever take any photos of the monster? I do wonder whatever happened to it -- hopefully the people who landed with it don't read your blog!!

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  4. This is great. What would be even funnier (or not) is if that behemoth somehow found its way back to you, and you'd open the door to your garage or something and there it'd loom.

    We have an entertainment center that's not from Paris or an antique, but its huge - comes in 3 pieces, and since we've been repainting have been wondering what to do with the think. It takes up an entire wall. Maybe my entertainment center and your former armoire should meet. :)

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  5. I am a sucker for 18th century furniture, so I probably would have been the one to bid on it-

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  6. It's very disconcerting that it almost fell through your floor. Was your floor made of shoddy materials?

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  7. What a mistake. But, to give you credit, you could not have predicted all the problems that would come with this. Do you think it was haunted?

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  8. The only furniture i crave is well made book cases. And i don't do antiques unless i can hide them in the bedroom -- i have kids and cats that can destroy almost anything.

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  9. I love that you failed to provide the auction house with a forwarding address! lol Sounds like it was an expensive nightmare!

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  10. Impulse purchase bit you, huh? Haha! We all have stories of thing we bought and layer regretted. Still, your's seems pretty extreme. Good riddance.

    S

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  11. Oh dear! This definitely comes under the category of "It seemed like a good idea at the time!" :)

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  12. Wow, and I thought I had it bad when I bought this huge air hockey table a few years ago. As a friend and I tripped over our bouncing testicles while transporting it downstairs, I told him, "No frikkin' way this thing EVER comes out of the basement."
    Good thing you had it shipped home, though. Can you imagine checking that thing through US Air?

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  13. Nope I wouldn't have wanted it in the first place. I'm into modern furniture, not something from the 1700s. Just saying. Great story though.

    Have a terrific day. ;)

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  14. I'm sure that's the first time the Witness Protection program was used to hide from an auction house. I too wonder whatever happened to the armoire...perhaps it ended up warming someone's toes on a cold winter's night.

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  15. Great story! My husband and I were proud of ourselves when we bought a TV armoire for our first home back in the 90's. Of course that was before flat screen TVs. Three houses later, the piece had kind of out-lived it's purpose in life. The wood was beautiful cherry though, and my husband decided we should lug it down to the playroom in the basement rather than trying to sell it. We failed to take the drop ceiling down there into account. We couldn't even stand it up down there, so he had to chop it up into very expensive attic floorboards.

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  16. I smiled multiple times reading how this purchase was disastrous on so many different levels (or not so level, as the case might be!)

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  17. Oh, what a shame to take that fabulous anniversary trip only to find all the attractions closed! But, wow, what a whopping memorable story you gained from that vacation!

    At first I thought this had to be my favorite line from your post: “I could now go to confession without leaving the house, and I could watch Antiques Roadshow while making my contrition.” So funny, Stephen! :D

    Ah, but then I read the part about you moving and leaving no forwarding address info with the gallery. Absolutely priceless! Really loved this post!

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  18. Aha! The first thing it made me think of was a chest of drawers my husband bought at a second-hand furniture store. A day or two before some very strange goings-on began to occur around our house.

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  19. Great story. Bad purchase. Great decision to move and not leave a forwarding address.

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  20. Isn't that the piece of furniture from Harry Potter used to sneak in Death Eaters and then Dumbledore was killed? Be careful opening it.

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  21. Oh what a nightmare. I wonder if Paris has it in for you.

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  22. Oh, I've had some furniture mistakes, but never as big as that one! Good grief. I also would have moved and left no forwarding address.

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  23. Well, I hand it too you for being brave enough to buy in Paris and ship it home.
    We bought a French armoire from an auction house, but I don't think it was yours. We moved it from the mid-west to California-from a high ceilinged house to one, less so. But it fits, it works, we love it and the auction house even has our address, in case we want to sell it back.

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  24. omg what a horrible experience for all concerned. and expensive. it makes a good story though :)

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  25. Oh man. After reading this my furniture mistakes actually make me feel great.

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  26. Can't think of any furniture mistakes. But I could tell you about my first husband, and I'm guessing that mistake was more expensive than your French armoire.

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  27. I'm laughing. I never made a colossal furniture error, but I made a colossal husband mistake. I, too, moved away and "accidentally" left him behind.

    Love,
    Janie

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  28. Sometimes it never rains but pours. One misstep after another! About the only good thing to come out of this was a good story. Well told.

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  29. I love antiques and definitely look at them more than buy them. My husband, after his divorce, acquired a few pieces, I inherited a few pieces, and together we have bought a couple of items. I have to admit a couple of the items that my husband has purchased, I have wondered just what he was thinking when he bought them. Like the table he uses as a night stand.... it is so ugly. Then there is the trunk that he picked up at an estate auction. He wanted to store quilts in it. Again...ugly and paper thin with the bottom coming apart, it is of no use what so ever. It now resides in our garage.
    I did enjoy reading your post, so much so that I read it to my husband. Your armoire may have been a mistake but it sure made a great story!!

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  30. Seems to me that you and Mrs. C do things on a major scale sometimes. What with that and the spiders you wrote about some time back. I suppose you could have fixed a couple of oars on the armoire, chucked in an inflatable dinghy and rowed it away to a lonely island and then come home in the dinghy.

    ALthough I admit that leaving it in the auction house is probably simpler.

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  31. Oh God, how I relate. I'm famous for making these types of purchases. I went to the car dealership to get an oil change and drove out with a new car...twice!

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  32. rule of travel .. never never ever buy anything you cant pack in your suitcase or carry onboard in a tote.

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  33. oh my gosh..what a story and what a lesson! I bet somebody somewhere is happy! probably another blogger showing a picture of her remarkable find!

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  34. Wow, that is an amazing nightmare! I gave away a big armoire last year because I didn't want to move it and TV's are really too big for those things now. Still, I could have put books in it...if I could have found someone to move it.

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  35. Oh man- what a horror story- I'm so sorry you had a bad experience- I love old furniture and have some pieces that I purchased many years ago and still have.
    Hope they found someone to take it!

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  36. LOL!! This was a great read. I'm sorry for your bad armoire juju, and the very expensive lesson learned, but as far as entertainment value, that armoire was a ten! LOL!!

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  37. This reads like a perfect V8 commercial. :o

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