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Friday, August 31, 2012

Tight Asses

Mrs. Chatterbox and I just returned from four days of rare sunshine on the Oregon Coast. We had a great time. On the drive back to Portland I was reminded of this incident from my childhood after spotting two pairs of jeans flapping on a clothesline.



The Holloway twins lived across the street from the house where I grew up in the 50s and 60s. Janice and Janet Holloway were blond, sported bouncy ponytails and were high school cheerleaders. Ricky Delgado, my best friend and neighborhood delinquent, claimed the twins put the wood in his bat, whatever that meant.


Janice and Janet knew they were hotties, and to increase their allure they competed with each other to see who could wear the tightest jeans.


Janice concocted a way to make hers look painted on, and Janet followed suit. They got up early before school and soaked in the tub for half an hour while wearing jeans that were then dried with a blow-dryer. This process shrank the denim and made the jeans incredibly tight. Janice claimed victory in the tightness contest saying her jeans were so snug you could pick out the mole on her behind. Janet claimed Janice lost the sexiest jeans contest because she had a mole on her behind.


I wasn’t yet old enough to appreciate the twins, who I could never tell apart. They usually looked at me and Ricky like we were bacteria. I can’t remember having the courage to speak to them directly. They were high school seniors when I was a freshman and I remember them parading down the corridors with boys in tow, their steps as tiny as a geisha’s because of those tight jeans.


During my freshman year a famous incident involving Janice and Janet occurred one afternoon in biology class. Janice suddenly looked at Janet, and Janet looked at Janice, and they both started screaming. They sobbed and shrieked. Then, like they were still connected to each other through a shared nervous system, both passed out. The twins’ jeans were so tight that circulation to the lower halves of their bodies had been cut off. An ambulance was called, but Mr. Scanlon, the young biology teacher, decided not to wait. He ordered everyone out of the biology lab, and proceeded to cut the girls out of their skin-tight jeans with dissection scissors.


He may have saved their lives, but the twins were anything but grateful. When they regained consciousness, under blankets rushed in from the nurse’s office, they were humiliated and angry at the destruction of their personal property. They threatened to sue Mr. Scanlon but this became complicated when the local Fire Department issued him a commendation for quick thinking and heroism. I’m told the horny guys at school couldn’t have cared less about the award, but Mr. Scanlon’s stock soared because he’d accomplished what many of them had only dreamed of—getting the Holloway twins out of their pants.


Submitted to my friends at Dude Write.

63 comments:

  1. Ha.. that brings back memories. They couldn't make jeans tight enough in those days. My best friend did the bath tub and hair dryer trick too. I was envious of her denim skin. What were we thinking? Okay, now I know what you were thinking. Too funny.

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  2. Now that's why I should have become a teacher. Glad you had a good holiday too!

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  3. And he didn't even have to buy them dinner or a movie. ;)

    S

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  4. Nice post! My friends and I got in on the tail-end of the Rag City Blues era of tighter-than-tight pants. There were lace-ups, button-ups, and the ever infamous zip-arounds. Using a coat hanger to zip up our pants, and hoping not to zip up any belly bits was always the goal.

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  5. i've never heard of the soaking and hair dryer trick. sounds hot and uncomfortable! not many teachers get double whammies with having 2 students out of their pants at the same time during a typical school day.

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  6. Oh, how funny! This line, "...usually looked at me and Ricky like we were bacteria," is a gem! Welcome back~

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  7. Glad you had a nice vacation, and what a great memory! Hope those girls realized after they grew up how much they owed that teacher.

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  8. I can't imagine wearing jeans so tight, it made them both pass-out at the same time. I mean what are the odds of that happening?

    Is this really how it all went down or did you add a wee bit of zest to the writing recipe?

    Hmm... 'Summer of 42' naw... maybe 'Summer of 63'.

    Welcome back Mr.and Mrs. C !

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  9. Great story. Welcome back!

    Oh, Janice was the one with the mole on her butt, isn't that how everyone told them apart?

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  10. That's an incredible story. I think you're pulling my leg. People were this obsessed with skin-tight jeans?

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  11. Now that's a funny story! Well told, as usual.

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  12. I must have missed the tight jean phase as a teenager- cannot imgine soaking in a tub of water and then using a hair dryer....I was more interested in having enough shoes to match all the colors of my clothes.
    BUT I do remember having to lie down to zip up my 501's as a 20 year old....great funny story!

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  13. In today's litigious world, I wonder whether a teacher would dare cutting an unconscious girl's jeans, even with all the precautions this guy took. Great story.

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  14. I've seen some tight jeans these days. I bet you could post this as a tip and bring back the fad. Wonderful story and a bright light in my beautifully rainy day. Thanks!

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  15. Funny... teachers do make our life memorable, don't they? Glad you're back!

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  16. Serves them right. Just saying. Love this.

    I'm glad you and your wife enjoyed your trip. I grew up in Tillamook so I know about that terrible weather. I couldn't wait to move to San Diego.

    Have a terrific day. :)

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  17. Can you imagine if Mr. Scanlon had tried that today? Yep, the girls would have died.
    Thank goodness it's still summer and I'm wearing shorts. I'm afraid to put on my blue jeans because I had a lot of beer this summer.
    I may end up sporting the "soaked in a tub and blow-dryed" look.
    Without the tub.

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  18. Put the wood in his bat...quite a provocative phrase. You are clever and funny!

    Clearly, you paid a lot of attention to the girls next door. I can't imagine how long it would take to dry denim with a blow dryer.

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  19. That brings back mammaries of JM, she sat one seat up and one row over in tenth grade English. She rested her ample bosom on her desk and I got stupid. I blame her for my frequent mispellings and me poor grammar.

    BTW, where did you say in Oregon? We were just there in June. We have a vacation rental in Gold Beach (nowvacations.net).

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  20. Hilarious! But today he'd probably be arrested for molestation!

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  21. Ha! I always knew jeans were not meant to be word that tight. What a couple of B words to be so evil about their personal property, yuck!

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  22. Ah yes, I was skinny enough to war tight jeans. So long ago.

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  23. LOL, Glad you had a good holiday :)


    XoXo
    http://abudhabifood.blogspot.com

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  24. Funny!! When I was in high school there was a dress code forbidding pants on girls:(

    Hasn't the weather been gorgeous here in Oregon?

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  25. Now that was a great story.....

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  26. A great story, indeed, Stephen. I read it to SWMBO and she said "He's an excellent writer . . does he do it for a living?" I concur and, one more time, urge you to collect these in a book.

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  27. The twins would have been good leaders. Think of how many guys would follow them.

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  28. Funny, funny story. What happened to the twins after high school? Please don't tell me they became models for the Real Housewives franchise.

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  29. I remember having to lie down to zip your jeans, but never soaked in them. That just sounds very uncomfortable. Still, a funny story.

    Glad you are back!

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  30. What a progressive school district! Here in Missouri, girls could not even wear pants in the winter unless they wore a dress over them. And that was in elementary school, 1969 and earlier. Tight jeans! On girls! Folks around here would have stormed the school.

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  31. ah the price of vanity....and stupidity!

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  32. LOL Great post. I know the bacteria look well :)

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  33. Makes one wonder what those silly Holloway twins are doing now. It's a good thing clothing manufacturers now make stretchy jeans! (And I agree with Janet. Janice definitely lost the contest when she mentioned the mole.)

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  34. Yeah Mr.Scanlon, sometimes we need to cut out the silly B.S. Glad the sun favored your trip. Hugs -Kelly

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  35. Welcome back. Missed your daily comments.

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  36. Chatterbox, you never disappoint. :) Growing up in the 80's I witnessed firsthand this same tactic used by my fellow high school classmates. Those were the good ol' days. :)

    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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  37. Only tight jeans I ever wore were the 32-waisters that I insisted still fit even though I was past 34 and headed toward 36. Not a pretty sight.

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  38. Ah . . . those were the days. I wore tight jeans, a work shirt, no bra, and the boys followed in droves. I had my moment in the sun.

    Love,
    Janie

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  39. Of COURSE I would emerge from my self-imposed blog hiatus due to work responsibilities to go visiting my favorite blog peeps to come across a post entitled 'Tight Asses'. This is hilarious, and my inner shy, introvert high school self cheered to read the perky blond cheerleaders' plan to be über sexy backfired. I know...shame on me. (grin)

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  40. I remember the tight jeans and having to lie on the bed and pull up the zipper with a pliers and barely being able to sit down...but I never heard of the bathtub and hair dryer trick. These days they could sue him for cutting their pants off for other reasons than the state of the garments. ;)

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  41. I'm painting on a pair of jeans as we speak.

    Sitting in a tub and blow drying, that is too much preparation for me, I don't even like brushing my hair before work, there is no way I could go to that length just for jeans

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  42. GOOD FOR MR. SCANLON!! I was sent over here by the CRANKY OLD MAN & am your newest follower!

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  43. What a story. I was expecting Mr. Scanlon would do CPR. Instead, he was a gentleman, and a bold one at that. Male teachers have reason to be paranoid about taking such measures. That's impressive.

    Did you ever learn what happened to the twins? Sounds like they were terribly troubled.

    xoRobyn

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  44. Wait - you were allowed to wear jeans to school? Amazing that someone would be threatened with legal action for having saved lives

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  45. As one who has enjoyed watching a spanx dance, I like watching the process of getting in them. That said, I find the tight jeans actually disfigure the figure. I've seen the nicest of derrières flattened and smashed.

    Great story, Stephen.

    WG

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  46. I witnessed that phase in school as well, and now smile to myself at the kids who think they're so original, wearing skinny jeans.

    I'm a pretty big fan of natural curves myself. It's funny that as we get older, we try to come up with ways to be able to spend the entire day in pajama pants.

    Nice post!

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  47. What a fabulous, colorful story! Very well told, Stephen—I could so easily picture each scene. I’d love to see this tale incorporated into a movie about that era. :D

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  48. Tight jeans...can't live with them, can't live in them. I'm sure I knew where I was going with this at some stage. Ah well, too late now!

    Funny post!

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  49. Ah the teen years! Gotta miss them! The tight jeans that is...not being a teen!

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    1. That's the best thing about high school girls, we get older, they stay the same age.

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  50. I had a neighbor who knew she was hot too, she would purposely sunbathe in the tiny front yard instead of the spacious backyard.

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  51. There's a Mr. Scanlon at every school, usually employed in the Biology department!

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  52. I remember the tight jeans the girls wore- that killed my attention once or twice.

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  53. This post has it all:

    Twins!

    Tight jeans!

    And moles on butts!

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  54. And now tight jeans are back in fashion again, for boys too. ;)

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  55. LOL. Wow. The things we do for "beauty". Great post. I wonder where those twins are now? Found you on Finding the Funny.

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  56. OK Managed to load my url on Dude Write. We'll see what happens, thanks

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  57. This is completely an amazing story. I'm so glad it got picked for #findingthefunny or I would have missed it, and that would have been really sad. Still laughing...perfect way to start the day :)

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  58. Oh that is funny! I saw this post on Finding The Funny.

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  59. Omg so funny, but it can't b true!!!! Lol

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  60. LOL... that is funny. I remember girls soaking to make their jeans tighter. Kind of silly if you ask me. As for the last part of the post.... I bet you could sell the Brooklyn Bridge.

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