Sunday, September 30, 2012

Prepare To Die!

“I’m sorry, but I have to kill you.”
“Why? Am I bothering you?”
 “No, but that isn’t the point.”
“What is the point? I have a right to know. After all, it’s my life we’re talking about.”
 “Well, it’s hardly a life. After all, you’re only a spider.”
 “Only a spider? How dare you! I belong to a species so perfect in design that nature hasn’t changed me in hundreds of millions of years. Do you know what humans looked like millions of years ago? Here’s a clue: check the treetops.”
 “So you admit that humans are more evolved than spiders?”
“You miss the point. Are all humans as dense as you?”
“You’re making it a lot easier to squish you.”
“Let me put it another way. Do you believe in reincarnation? I understand many of you humans do. Perhaps I was once your ancestor—a beloved grandfather. You wouldn’t want to squish Grandpa, would you?”
“I don’t believe in reincarnation.”
“Shit…thought I had you on that one.”
“Enough, already. It’s time to end this. Are you ready to meet your Maker?”
“Not so fast. Keep your shoe on. What’s the rush? I mean, how often do you have a conversation with a talking spider?”
 “You don’t understand the delicate dance of human relationships. You’re in our
bathtub and my wife is in her bathrobe, cringing behind the door and waiting to hear the
flush that will send you swirling down the toilet.
 “Bathtub? I thought I was on a glacier. Anyway, please tell me I’m not about to die just because your wife has ordered you to murder me. Do you do everything she tells you to do?”
“It goes back to that delicate dance I mentioned. I’m the man; I kill the bugs. She does nearly everything else around the house and my main purpose is to kill bugs.”
“I’ll have you know that I’m much more than a bug! I’m a miracle of nature. I can lift ten times my body weight, go months without eating, and I can produce a web capable of withstanding a hurricane. Can you do any of these things?”
“I see from your expression that I’m not convincing you to spare my life. Spiders often eat their mates. If you ate yours, you wouldn’t have to obey her anymore.”
 “Nice try, but it’s the female spiders, larger and more powerful than males, who do the eating.”
“Drat! Somebody’s been watching the Discovery Channel too much.”
“Enough already. I’m taking off my shoe so you’d better look away.”
 “Okay. I gave it my best try. Just one more thing. When you were a kid did your teacher read you Charlotte’s Web?”
 “What was the name of Charlotte’s friend, that cute little pig?”
 “His name was Wilbur.”
 “That’s right. Tell me, did you cry like Wilbur when Charlotte died at the end of the
“You really are a son of a bitch.”
“Hey, where are you going?”
“To the kitchen to get a glass. I’ll trap you and dump you in the garden.”
“Thanks, Wilbur.”

Submitted to my friends at DudeWrite.


  1. Why DO we have such an irrational fear of spiders?

    The difference between you and I?....You trapped him in a glass and took him to the garden. I would have taken him to a freak show. People would pay lots of moeny to see/hear a talking spider. ;)


  2. We try not to kill them, but sometimes it's unavoidable. You did the right thing Wilbur. Bwahahahahahaha.

    Have a terrific day. :)

  3. My wife, Kellie, has no fear of bugs. She'll swat flies that get in the in the house, but with almost everything else she practices catch and release. And, unlike your girlie glass maneuver, she uses her bare hands.

  4. Perfect. I will try to be in the same mindset when I find a spider in my bathroom. I kill my own.

  5. My dog & I were discussing the concept of talking spiders the other day--he thought the idea was ridiculous!

  6. You DON'T negotiate with terrorists, and you DON'T NEGOTIATE WITH SPIDERS!

  7. I don't feel guilty. My dear B kills the spiders in our house.

  8. Man, you missed that first shot and let him talk...see, that's what happens!

  9. I used to catch and release everything but flies and mosquitoes. Now that I would have to make it down three flights of stairs and my body is not necessarily in a cooperative mood the day the bug comes to visit...I kill first and ask no questions. Sad, but true.

  10. I think you did the right thing showing mercy to Mr. Talking Spider. I always feel guilty if I kill anything (including insects)although like Rita, I probably am more likely to kill flies and mosquitoes. I have visions of them feeling pain or leaving family members behind.

    Let's just hope there is some form of reincarnation that works on pay backs.

  11. Try that technique when a female spider drops from her web onto a box of Kleenex on your desk, round about 11:30 on a Thursday night, and an explosion of tiny baby spiders spews out of her like sparks from a chrysanthemum-type aerial firework saved for the finale of a major Fourth of July show.

  12. I was about to say we tolerate a couple of house spiders because they help control the population of other insects. And we've taught that to the grandkids, whose mom admits to a lifelong irrational fear of spiders. But then I read Val's comment. Eeeeek!

  13. Clearly the talking spider wasn't smart enough to build the web up high to avoid detection.

    Personally, I like the spiders and want to release them. When they build a nice web outside and I'll even throw them a bug now and again just to watch them work.

    But in the house, they get a small running start.


  14. Ha ha ha! That was brilliant!... I must admit, spiders scare the bejesus out of me but I don't feel it's necessary to kill them just because I'm a big girls blouse... Instead, I offer them a cup of tea and a selection of biscuits which they usually politely decline, being creatures who prefer hard liquor and dead insects...

  15. Kill it! Kill it! Vacuum cleaner and tape....NOW!
    The rules are: I don't go hang out in your stay out of my house.

    Um...Val? That can....*happen*........?


    I just thought of aren't going to ever again...drink....from that glass......are you.......?

    1. Yes. That was the first (and I hope LAST) time it happened to me. Luckily, I had the tissues handy for smashing. Something tells me I didn't get ALL of them. Some made a beeline for the nest of wires behind my desktop monitor. They shot off in all directions. Millions of them. Or so it seemed. Just imagine if I had already gone to bed. They would be well on their way to taking over my world.

  16. Well, even if you didn't spare him his life, you don't have the three Minions to brutally torture him...

  17. Now that is one smart spider- perhaps he could help negotiate some peace in the Middle East?

  18. Yes, yes, yes! Save the spiders! (Can you tell i'm a confirmed arachnophile?)

  19. very clever and amusing. i don't kill them unless they are black and dangerous looking. the glass method is probably the best.

  20. We had a similar incident like Vals with the spider, a huge spider crawling along the baseboard at our sons house, the other son hits it with a shoe and a gazillion baby spiders covered the wall and floor, Cindy left the house Ha Ha

    So now no spider is safe, but Cindy leaves the room ahead of time.

  21. Oh, this was really funny! "I'm the man, I kill the main purpose is to kill bugs.". That cracked me up! And thank goodness that you spared his little life. I always feel too bad to kill bugs...I have a catch and release program :)

  22. Hehe, nice! Out smarted by a spider. :) I like having certain types of spiders in the house. They do an amazing job of killing all the other bugs. Though Alisha doesn't agree with me. She had a primal fear of spiders, so I'm used forced, like you, to kill them.

    Enjoyed it Steven!

  23. I like to just turn on the water and let it sweep the spider down the drain. I imagine it must be like going on a water slide!

  24. Well written, Wilbur. Now where is the man who will get rid of bugs for me? Occasionally I tire of caring for myself. For some reason, Favorite Young Man will not drive 30 minutes to get here from his job and kill a bug. He wouldn't even save me from a dead rat! Oh, well, I guess a dead rat is better than one that's alive and is trying to get in the house.


  25. Awesome story where you have humans and animals interacting.
    My wife kills the spiders. I let them go so that they will kill other bad guys out there.

  26. Dear Val and Jimmy,

    Thanks for the nightmares.
    Thank is, if I ever sleep again..............


  27. I was really hoping the spider would survive in the end! :D

  28. Awwwwww. Charlotte's Web is my favorite story in the whole world. I was Fern. And I always save spiders.

  29. That was really well-written. I especially liked the ending... as well as the fact that he thought he was on a glacier. Very clever!

  30. It's recently come to my attention that we have an unwanted guest of a mouse residing in our house. All spider hunting activities have been suspended until said mouse has been eliminated! That's my job. :)

  31. NICE shout-out to the Princess Bride with the title of this post :)

  32. i don't wait around long enough to have an actual conversation. i just squish.