Prepare To Die!

 

“I’m sorry, but I have to kill you.”

      

“Why? Am I bothering you?”

     

 “No, but that isn’t the point.”

      

“What is the point? I have a right to know. After all, it’s my life we’re talking about.”

     

 “Well, it’s hardly a life. After all, you’re only a spider.”

     

 “Only a spider? How dare you! I belong to a species so perfect in design that nature hasn’t changed me in hundreds of millions of years. Do you know what humans looked like millions of years ago? Here’s a clue: check the treetops.”

     

 “So you admit that humans are more evolved than spiders?”

      

“You miss the point. Are all humans as dense as you?”

      

“You’re making it a lot easier to squish you.”

      

“Let me put it another way. Do you believe in reincarnation? I understand many of you humans do. Perhaps I was once your ancestor—a beloved grandfather. You wouldn’t want to squish Grandpa, would you?”

      

“I don’t believe in reincarnation.”

      

“Shit…thought I had you on that one.”

      

“Enough, already. It’s time to end this. Are you ready to meet your Maker?”

      

“Not so fast. Keep your shoe on. What’s the rush? I mean, how often do you have a conversation with a talking spider?”

     

 “You don’t understand the delicate dance of human relationships. You’re in our

bathtub and my wife is in her bathrobe, cringing behind the door and waiting to hear the

flush that will send you swirling down the toilet.

     

 “Bathtub? I thought I was on a glacier. Anyway, please tell me I’m not about to die just because your wife has ordered you to murder me. Do you do everything she tells you to do?”

      

“It goes back to that delicate dance I mentioned. I’m the man; I kill the bugs. She does nearly everything else around the house and my main purpose is to kill bugs.”

      

“I’ll have you know that I’m much more than a bug! I’m a miracle of nature. I can lift ten times my body weight, go months without eating, and I can produce a web capable of withstanding a hurricane. Can you do any of these things?”

     

 “No.”

      

“I see from your expression that I’m not convincing you to spare my life. Spiders often eat their mates. If you ate yours, you wouldn’t have to obey her anymore.”

     

 “Nice try, but it’s the female spiders, larger and more powerful than males, who do the eating.”

      

“Drat! Somebody’s been watching the Discovery Channel too much.”

      

“Enough already. I’m taking off my shoe so you’d better look away.”

     

 “Okay. I gave it my best try. Just one more thing. When you were a kid did your teacher read you Charlotte’s Web?”

      

“Yes.”

     

 “What was the name of Charlotte’s friend, that cute little pig?”

     

 “His name was Wilbur.”

     

 “That’s right. Tell me, did you cry like Wilbur when Charlotte died at the end of the

story?”

      

“You really are a son of a bitch.”

      

“Hey, where are you going?”

      

“To the kitchen to get a glass. I’ll trap you and dump you in the garden.”

     

“Thanks, Wilbur.”

Submitted to my friends at DudeWrite.