Tight Asses

Mrs. Chatterbox and I just returned from four days of rare sunshine on the Oregon Coast. We had a great time. On the drive back to Portland I was reminded of this incident from my childhood after spotting two pairs of jeans flapping on a clothesline.

The Holloway twins lived across the street from the house where I grew up in the 50s and 60s. Janice and Janet Holloway were blond, sported bouncy ponytails and were high school cheerleaders. Ricky Delgado, my best friend and neighborhood delinquent, claimed the twins put the wood in his bat, whatever that meant.

Janice and Janet knew they were hotties, and to increase their allure they competed with each other to see who could wear the tightest jeans.

Janice concocted a way to make hers look painted on, and Janet followed suit. They got up early before school and soaked in the tub for half an hour while wearing jeans that were then dried with a blow-dryer. This process shrank the denim and made the jeans incredibly tight. Janice claimed victory in the tightness contest saying her jeans were so snug you could pick out the mole on her behind. Janet claimed Janice lost the sexiest jeans contest because she had a mole on her behind.

I wasn’t yet old enough to appreciate the twins, who I could never tell apart. They usually looked at me and Ricky like we were bacteria. I can’t remember having the courage to speak to them directly. They were high school seniors when I was a freshman and I remember them parading down the corridors with boys in tow, their steps as tiny as a geisha’s because of those tight jeans.

During my freshman year a famous incident involving Janice and Janet occurred one afternoon in biology class. Janice suddenly looked at Janet, and Janet looked at Janice, and they both started screaming. They sobbed and shrieked. Then, like they were still connected to each other through a shared nervous system, both passed out. The twins’ jeans were so tight that circulation to the lower halves of their bodies had been cut off. An ambulance was called, but Mr. Scanlon, the young biology teacher, decided not to wait. He ordered everyone out of the biology lab, and proceeded to cut the girls out of their skin-tight jeans with dissection scissors.

He may have saved their lives, but the twins were anything but grateful. When they regained consciousness, under blankets rushed in from the nurse’s office, they were humiliated and angry at the destruction of their personal property. They threatened to sue Mr. Scanlon but this became complicated when the local Fire Department issued him a commendation for quick thinking and heroism. I’m told the horny guys at school couldn’t have cared less about the award, but Mr. Scanlon’s stock soared because he’d accomplished what many of them had only dreamed of—getting the Holloway twins out of their pants.

Submitted to my friends at Dude Write.